Hallucinations as an element of tactics

"We realised that to watch Akron against Orenburg without calling an exorcist, a sober mind is not enough," said Arkady Trezvonnikov, head of the RFU's department of cognitive marketing. "The method lets a fan enter a trance in which misplaced passes look like 'brilliant improvisation' and Artem Dzyuba looks like a promising youngster with fire in his eyes."

The RFU stressed that the technique does not replace watching football properly; it merely helps citizens survive its dullest stretches: positional attacks that go nowhere, VAR pauses, set pieces played two touches backwards and the second halves of matches for tenth place.

According to the instructions, to achieve the effect of "mental intoxication" a supporter must:

  • Use the "Sobolev defocus": stare into the penalty area until any defender starts to look like an offender and falling over looks like an art form.
  • Practise the "phantom hangover breath": inhale deeply the aroma of the neighbour in the stand who clearly "fuelled up" back on the train from Svetlogorsk.
  • Apply astral import substitution: convince your receptors by sheer willpower that you're drinking not murky tea from a bag with a flavour of budget deficit, but a limited-edition "Baltic IPA", aged in the hold of a fishing trawler and infused with the management's promises not to get relegated to the First League.

VIP boxes: the heroic alcoholism of the elite

The RFU made a separate point that the programme does not apply in the VIP boxes — there they still pour real cognac and cold beer. According to officials, this has been done for the safety of ordinary people.

"The inhabitants of the boxes have too weak an imagination; they're down-to-earth people," Trezvonnikov explained. "They have to drink real alcohol, taking the full blow to the liver upon themselves. It's their cross to bear. They drink sanctioned whisky so that the ordinary supporter in the stands can enjoy the purity of his hallucinations and oneness with the cosmos."

Test results: from Tushino to Rostec Arena

The method has already undergone field trials at the country's main stadiums:

In Tushino supporters successfully imagined that Spartak has "that famous DNA" and a clear game plan. The effect was so powerful that the stands twice chanted "We are the champions!" while watching their defender pass the ball into touch.

In Petersburg fans used meditation to convince themselves that the latest Brazilian is an academy graduate, just from a very southern branch. One volunteer even "saw" a young Arshavin in Kondakov, after which he was immediately hospitalised with a fantasy overdose.

In Kaliningradthe experiment was declared the most successful. Fans imagined beer so convincingly that through their binoculars they began to see not the Polish border but a European spring. It later emerged that the effect was amplified by the smell of smoked eel combined with the sea breeze.

Safety instructions

The Interior Ministry has already issued a warning: supporters caught "imagining beer excessively loudly" or "publicly simulating a state of being 'hammered'" may be removed from the stadium for breaching public order on the astral plane.

The RFU's plans for 2027 include the rollout of "Digital Vobla" technology, which will let fans taste salted dried fish simply by holding their smartphone to their cheek during a broadcast.

Afterword

The ban on beer in the stands is just one more bump on our "special path". Yes, in the VIP boxes life seems brighter and frothier, but the true spirit of the game has always been in the ordinary stands. Where people warm their hands on a cup of cheap tea and sincerely believe that next round Baltika will surely produce the match of its life.

In the end, football is our shared "mental hops". We come to the stadium to forget about exchange rates and work chats for a couple of hours, and simply to imagine that our defenders are Maldini and Kaliningrad is the centre of world football thought. And you know what? Sometimes, when the sun sets behind the Rostec Arena stand and the sea breeze carries the smell of smoked eel, it really is easy to believe.

Drink football responsibly. And remember: if the game seems boring to you, you've simply run out of imagination.